Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother