Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell