@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Current mood: Potato
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: