“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You Might Also Like
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.