If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.