My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.