[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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Does it…does it take 3 days
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Teach your children to beatbox
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.