A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name