Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.