*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.