first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
What about a To-Don’t List?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.