I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Oh thanks BBC.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.