THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second