every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Somebody call the cops.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer