thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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âPlaneâ kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for âTruckâ in 2024 and âDoggieâ in 2025.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
âCan you explain this gap in your resume?â
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Boss: if you donât know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isnât a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Never thought Iâd need to say âdonât lick the paintâ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: đ
Pretty much! đđ
âOkay Nancy, try it now.â
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I donât even feel the need to correct it.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.