Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
But I really needed water water water
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
(True)
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?