[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
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If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
May have had one breakfast too many
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.