[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God