Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
December birthdays be like…
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.