PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I don’t hate children, just yours.