Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now