Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
This kid will have a bright future.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!