[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans