Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.