mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
#CatsOnTwitter
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.