Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Cannot stop laughing at this
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.