Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
You Might Also Like
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Not messing around
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*