Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.