You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
want me to check your oil?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear