I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
incredible book dedication
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫