BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.