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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.