I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”