I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
God, I love Scotland
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.