Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.