My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”