Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
You Might Also Like
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard