They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is