Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*