The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
#growingpains
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about