Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.