I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Awwwww shit.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?