When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
You Might Also Like
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.