me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
no!! no!!!!!!
This is my cat’s medicine.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”