Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.