Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.