Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair