I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Watson was Holmes schooled
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Tastes like chicken.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: