[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Legend 🤣🤣
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Well, this is awkward
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.