the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Good advice.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you