“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.